I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
