I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
