sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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