My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
