That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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