Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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