AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
