I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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