I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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