I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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