do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
This baby is an asshole
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
