I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
