im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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