Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
