I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
