Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
