Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
A bitchslap is in order.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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