You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
