remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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