So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
