Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
