oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I could fuck to npr.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
