Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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