Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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