he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
