the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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