I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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