MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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