fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
