you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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