if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
