She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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