Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This is not my ceiling
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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