Can Purell be used as lube?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
