All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Success! We fucked roommates!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
