So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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