Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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