if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
