You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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