I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
3 2 1 whiskey
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
