I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
