My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I need a beard to bite.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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