I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize