On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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