I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
