My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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