Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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