I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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