guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
