when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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