My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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