You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
