Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Only a mothe r could love this liver
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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