i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
