Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
