I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
