I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
