i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
